Dont you just hate those annoying people who talk constantly in lectures? Or the people who push into lines? Or the people who talk on mobiles in elevators really loudly?
All these situations happen and are now acceptable for too many people. Why? Because the post-modern western social structure we all live in thinks that being rude is being great.
I want to dispell this myth.
I'm not talking about rude as in chewing with your mouth open or wearing flip-flops in a suit. But rude in the sense of lacking grace and lacking civility.
I'm gonna teach everyone how to counter these "great" social hacks who have no idea on the interaction between humans. I am a firm believer in being polite, chilvaric and a defender of the common good...using whatever means neccessary.
Of course, i take no liability for results.
Lets get started...
For arguments sake, we shall use the devil-worshipping queue jumper as the instigator of your drive to confront them on their rudeness...
You've been waiting in line for 20 mins, your freezing cold and out of the blue a devil-worshipping queue jumping hack has seen her friends who lined up and promptly, slides into the line. She glances fleetingly over her shoulder at you...Lessons 1.0
Lesson 1.1: Giving the First Chance
...and you look at them deadset in the eye.Make sure you maintain eye contact and then look away before she can. The contact should be no more then an eternal second or so but it needs to be done.
This is their first chance. They know you are not happy. Nobody these days has the spine to look at a stranger dead in the eye. So you have shown you have a spine and only by your grace have you let it slide.
The devil worshipper shrugs you off and then sees her friends. She calls out to her cultist friends and gets them to join into the line too! She glances over her shoulder at you again...Lesson 1.2: Giving the Second Chance
...and you look at them deadset in the eye again not breaking the glance until she pulls away.Now they know your very unhappy. They have just used their second chance. Nobody these days has the spine to maintain eye contact. Don't be afraid if they: "what your problem?" in which case politley smile and remain silent.
She flicks her eyes at you one last time and then returns back to chat avidly with her cultist friends about the latest cannibalistic feast. She see's more members of her cult and calls them into the line too, giving you one defying look over the shoulder...Lesson 1.3: The Last Chance
...and you respond with a very polite: "Excuse me, do you mind?" with dead eye contact to her alone.Do not break eye contact until she responds.
This simple question amazes me how much people will back down. The clinical politeness hints at a darker edge in your voice. The question askes for no reply but because it is expressed so politely, some people fall into the trap of responding.
But more then likely; people will break eye contact, mumble an apology and the new friends will line up. Don't worry about her other hack friends. They won't say a thing. Spineless leaches.
Good work, you made the world a better place by confronting her.
Lessons 2.0
However, she looks back at you and says: "No I don't mind" and snubs you by turning her back and hoping that you will leave it for dead. She thinks that being even ruder, you will lose sight of your cause....Lesson 2.1: Your Response
...in which case you say more firmly: "Excuse me, I said do you mind?"People will now look on. As much as we all avoid confrontation there is no doubt that humans love to watch it. Now with the crowd of onlookers she realises she is in the wrong. And panic begins to creep into her.
It is important to note that you say it loudly and firmly. Do not be shrill and rude. Be calm, clear, cold and collected. It is extremely intimidating.
It could end here...
Unlikely though which means your gonna have to be rude as well.
There is an awkward silence as the growing crowd of onlookers watch on in anticpation for her reply. They can sense a scathing attack from somewhere. But where? She is about to speak but...Lesson 2.2: No mercy
...you interrupt her with a loud, "Why don't you just line up like everyone else? You think you have a licence to be inconsiderate and rude? Dont you have any manners?"Everybody will be shocked you said something like that. Especially the devil worshipper.
Trust me.
Its very very daunting when a complete stranger rapid fires you with questions which attacks your very personality and image of yourself. This STRANGER is calling you rude. What right do they have? But it also means they see you for what the world sees you.
It's very embarassing for her as well, because she's been put on the spot so much so suddenly and the pressure is on for a witty response. Attempting a snub is no longer possible on her behalf.
Most cases, she will looked shocked and meekly turn around and her whole group will be quiet while they all look at you over their shoulders and realise how rude they are.
You might not have moved them to the back of the line but you have publicly humiliated her. You didn't beat them. You grinded them into the dust.
If not, don't be afraid to dish out some smackdown so that she knows her role.
Normally for me, i never get to this stage (2.2). Somebody always stops me from shaming them and grinding their social grace into dust. In which case I must sit back after the "Do you mind?"
The entire line has eyes on you as you enter whatever you were lining up for. Amazed that you were so willing to confront the queue jumping hack. They all secretly applaud your courage to restore some semblance of social politeness and regretting that they did not speak up as well.Closure
The world is a better place now
It's all over but since Perth is so small, there is a chance you might bump into them again.
If you should ever see this person again. Regardless of where and in what situation, you must ignore them now. They no longer exist. If they come up and ask you about it. Feign amnesia and say: "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you are talking about" and smile politely for their response of: "Oh...it must of been someone else"
The clinical politeness and hint of a darker edge will remind them it was most definetly you. And it will cut even deeper that they are forgotten. Nobody likes to be forgotten and nobody deserves to be remembered if they are impolite and continuosly rude.
This was a very important post so I hope you read it all and learnt from it.
A-la-la-la-n
9 comments:
Psychologist Alan, I have a question. What if its huge a guy and you get to step 2.2 and he doesn't like it and steps forward with his fist 1cm from your face, what next???
How many times have you put this lesson into practise. I cannot accept that it will work unless you have tried it more than 10 times and it has worked everytime.
whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa
alan! so brave!
i wish i could have been there to watch;)
u should like...police the busstops.
i must admit that was pretty classic
This is the only blog I read.
When someone slaps you in the face, sometimes the best thing to do is to slap twice them back.
There's nothing wrong with turning the other cheek, but you have to ask why you are turning the other cheek?
It is good to give people a chance to amend themselves, to peaceful etc. But you shouldn't turn the cheek if you feel you must out of some moral oligation that was part of your upbringing - that doesn't make it right, you are simply letting others dictate how you should behave and being a coward. By habitually differing your own choices, notions of liberty are fallacious and unfounded.
And as Alan has pointed out, sometimes by confronting the person that slapped you, you are preventing that person from doing the same to another and you are not perpetuating a victimisation cycle.
Stop crying about how unfair life is, do something you hacks!
I like this post Alan.
I admire how insightful you are becoming.
Just don't let it get to your head Logan Kent! Hubris is typically a man's biggest flaw.
Nice, nice.
@ Thanh: Never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in.
However, because some people don't agree with your beliefs and want to enforce their own...you must learn some means of self-protection. I know a bit of kung fu...so...i'm not afraid for a bit of a tuffle.
And resorting to violence to win, well..he may as well swing from the trees and drag his hands on the floor. Violence is a last resort.
I normally never get past 1.2 and at the very latest 1.3. But the times i have gotten to the end, i have embarassed them publicly enough.
I dont really count...but i'll start a tally now!
@ Shaun: I keep forgetting to add you to my blog. You don't mind right?
And polcing bus stops?!?!
I am A-la-la-la-n, defender of the universal good, beacon of chilvary, hero of the post-modern era, the Escapist and the leader of the anti-hacks movement.
It would be my pleasure :)
@ Liru: Whats happened to your blog? it keeps saying it doesn't work no more :(
But thank you! I try to make every post a 'classic'
@ Dave: It's nice that this is the only blog you read. Its not even THAT good yet...
I liked your comment very much!!
"Stop crying about how unfair life is, do something you hacks!"
My favorite line!
I was always insightful. I'm as deep as the ocean. The deep part. Not the part near the shore which is shallow.
Oh and for those of you who don't know...
Hubris: excessive pride which usually leads to the downfall of the tragic hero in Greek drama.
Trafic hero...? Greek...? Me...? DEFINETLY!!!
of course i dont mind:)
what they SHOULD have at bus stops though, are signs. telling everyone the rules.
like.
theres that rule how if ur not lined up (ie. sitting down) then youre not in the line, and u have to join at the back.
i mean, sure we'd end up a bit like singapore with rules for everything, but since theres so much ambiguity about the 'general conventions' people dont know whether theyre doing the right thing by sticking up and telling people to get to the back.
ill have to start lining up at the ref
@ Shau: I agree with that totally!! But i dont catch the bus anymore.
@ Anon: That would be a good idea
you greek hero? FRANK MILLER'S 300!!...
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